The Egyptian god, Atum, got pretty frisky with himself during the process of creating the universe. And we do mean frisky!

"Then I copulated with my own fist.

I masturbated with my own hand.

I ejaculated into my own mouth.

I sneezed to create Shu the wind,

I spat to create Tefnut the rain."

-Hymn to Atum

Yep, that's a real hymn.

Will somebody please get this deity an OnlyFans account!?!